Dead Calm

(Mostly Live Blogged for your pleasure so rather disjointed – Spoilers Probable).

(Watched this first bit last week)
Dead Calm stars an Australian accented and very ginger and curly haired Nicole Kidman and Sam Neill. Also Billy Zane with wild eyebrows and a sweating problem. Rae (Nicole) and John (Sam) are on boat having a nice time when they rescue Hughie (Billy). He tells them everyone on his yacht got sick and died.

(Live blog)
Pretty budget looking movie, though it is quite old, there are quite a number of cassette tapes, something outlawed in 1995. While Hughie is asleep John goes off to Hughie’s boat to check it out because his 25 years as a seaman makes him suspect something, despite this he leaves Rae behind. On the yacht he discovers dead naked ladies and evidence of debauchery. Hughie realises he has been caught and steals John’s boat with Rae on board. There is a funny bit involving Ben the dog and his fetching skills. Rae tries to foil Hughie to get back to John. Good opportunity to see Nic-nips if that’s on your bucket list. For some reason she puts up with a “rape” in order to trick Hughie, not sure about you but I may have tricked him with the gun that was in the cupboard before it got to that stage. While this is happening John is stuck in a sinking crime scene. Storm comes. Spoke too soon the gun is out but Hughie has it. (“I hate this movie” – Mr Pigalina). Rae killed her dog by accident – unnecessary. 😦 (On the plus side the “dead dog” is the worst dead dog you will see in a long while). John about to drown inside sinking boat – locked below deck somehow. Cockroaches a possible symbol for Hughie who will not die. Whole boat bursts into flames in about 5 seconds thanks to petrol and lantern. Binoculars rendered useless in the hands of Rae after previously being able to help them notice things only 5 metres away. Rae chooses not to drown Hughie when she has the chance.

This movie teaches us that though the Pacific Ocean is vast, two people can be separated and find each other again.

Sitting waiting for Hughie to pop out of the water like Jason in Friday 13th. Almost, he’s back with such a lame death scene. So. Hot. It’s. Tom. Thank goodness we didn’t pay to see it.

(Mr Pigalina – “I hated that movie. Fact.”)

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More Movies and Still No Time

Yes, I continue to watch movies but find no time to update the Palace.

Here is another quick, all you need to know quide:

Scott Pligrim vs The World – 5/5 My new fave, went and bought all 6 books and the DVD after watching. Fresh, imaginative style.

Meet the Spartans – 1/5 Very few laughs. Can’t stand this taking off of a single movie – so void of imagination.

Mega Mind – 4/5 Can’t really fault it – loved David Cross as the fish Minion. (Mr Pigalina only gives it 3/5 as he didn’t find it funny the whole way through)

The Time Travellers Wife – Can’t disagree with Mr Pigalina’s comment as soon as the movie ended – “Well that was depressing. Everyone’s sad, sad, sad, dies”. 3/5

Epic Movie – Didn’t even last 5 minutes, 0/5.

Eight Below

(Second favourite movie of the Pigalina’s dog Tobias (After Beverley Hills Chihuahua).

Eight Below is based on a true story of eight(!) huskies that get left behind in the Antarctic after everyone is ordered out in the wake of a big storm. Paul “Fast and the Furious” Walker is their handler and snozzle kisser who is so T.O to be told that he cannot go back to rescue them. **Possible Spoiler** – Warning – all eight may not make it home. 😦
I now want many, many huskies (and my little fox terrier) and will sleep in a living nest of them each night, curled in a ball.
The poor things endure at least 175 days and nights out in the blasting snow while the humans are all tucked up in some base, resigning themselves to the fact that the dogs will freeze to death. Red tape hampers the rescue efforts and the eight dogs are left chained up with no food and water in freezing conditions. Luckily most of them manage to get loose and adventure (and some sadness) follows.
Their handler (Paul Walker) wants those dogs rescued as quickly as possible. Anyone that has a dog (let alone eight) would hate to leave their furry buddy behind so will know how he feels.
He eventuallly sets off to rescue them, after many months, from “Christchurch” harbour; which they made look as rumpy and backwoods as they possibly could and had Australian accented people as New Zealanders – Yeah, we can tell the difference you know! Though, to be fair, most Americans (the intended viewer) would have probably have required subtitles if New Zealanders were used – my English Grandad pretty much needed a translator upon meeting Mr Pigalina.

I know I have probably ruined it for you already so I will say that the film is rather bittersweet. A tear of happy and a tear of sad pricked my eyes on various occasions. Overall a very enjoyable film, though I usually prefer my animal movies to be 100% happy.

(Live blogged for your enjoyment)

The Love Guru

Wow.
Mike Myers is dead to me.
Ben Kingsley you should have known better.
I am not even 20 minutes into the film yet and I already know it is only going to be getting a zero pig rating. Awful, lame and unfunny. LPMs (Laughs Per Minute (Copyrighted phrase by Robert)) = 0. How so many people signed up to do this film is beyond me.
Basically the film is Mike Myers with a bad indian accent and some cock jokes.

Don’t bother, not even if it is on TV like when I saw it.

So Many Movies, So Little Time

Ok, I have been away from my palace for quite a while. During that time I have had a 6 week holiday around the world – watched movies on planes; been ill – watched movies on sofa with the dog; and watched movies with family and friends. Sooo, I am going to list the ones I can remember and give a very brief rating on them all. Because I know you care what I think.

Kick Ass – Kicked ass. Hit Girl is my hero. 5/5
Monster – Spent most of the movie thinking “good for her”. 4/5
Toy Story 3 – Cried like a baby at the end. 4/5
The Runaways – Dakota Fanning is too young to be doing that! Good music though. 3/5
Hot Tub Time Machine – Suprising watchable. 2/5
Sex and the City 2 – I watched only the first 5 minutes – for serious – and turned it off. AWFUL. Didn’t even make it to the awesome Liza Minnelli bit. 0/5
Princess – Watchable – not sure “Lesbian delusions” quite appropriate dialogue for a kids film though. 3/5
Shrek 4 – Mr Pigalina rates it 5/5, Pigalina gives it about 3/5
Camp Rock – Watching it now, its no HSM. 2/5
Bonnie and Clyde – Marvelous, can now see what the fuss about Warren Beatty was. Good to learn the story too. 4/5
A Streetcar Named Desire – Fabulous, can now see what the fuss about Marlon Brando was. Engrossing story, deserves its classic status. 5/5
Cemetery Junction – The best bits were between the Grandma, Ricky Gervais and the delightful Julia Davis. 3/5
Inception – Wowowowowowowowwow. Great effects, great story – THAT ENDING! 5/5

There were probably more but I am hooked on phonics and various TV shows at the moment so this may have been all. Seriously, just follow my above advice and you will be in for some good movie watchin’ times.

The Book of Eli

Thanks to Mr Pigalina’s cousin being a dutiful son, Mr Pigalina and I scored free tickets to this movie last night.
The Book of Eli is set in the future, 30 years after a massive war that has wiped out most life. Water is scarce and things such as KFC moist towelettes, for washing, are hot property (excellent product placement guys!). This future is so bright that you better put on shades. But not bright in a good way, more in the way that the earth is so barren that the sunlight bounces off the earth threatening to scorch eyeballs. Eli is travelling across the country with a book that he feels he must deliver to the West. Along the way he encounters cannibals and a man intent on stealing his book for his own evil gains. Eli (Denzel Washington) is an amazing fighter and can defeat gangs single-handedly – there is a fabulous fight scene at the start, all in silhouette. He is a lone wolf who just wants to complete his mission of delivering his book. Along the way Mila “Jackie from That 70s Show” Kunis tags along. She was great! Not a trace of the whiny voiced girl she is usually associated with and her character becomes quite kick-ass by the end. Malcolm “Eggy-Weggs” McDowell has a cameo as a crazy haired curator of art and culture.
I thoroughly enjoyed this movie – Empire Magazine only gave it a 2. I feel if they keep this up (see Drag Me to Hell) we may soon part ways. Maybe. The film looked great, had an interesting premise, the acting was good and it held my attention throughout. Therefore, Pigalina doubles Empire’s rating.

Rumour Has It

Rumour has it that I found this movie boring (see what I did there?). Notes in my notebook noted while watching include “Mmmm Cheese” and “bored”. The fact that my craving for cheese was more interesting says it all. Rumour Has It is mainly about Jennifer Anniston’s unlikeable whiny character Sarah. She has an easy job, lives in New York and is marrying a nice man who is a lawyer. Is this good enough for her though? No. She moans on about not “fitting in” with her family – because she doesn’t like tennis like they do and drives fast while her dad drives slowly. Wow, really? I must be a cuckoo in the nest.
So while moaning to Grandma at her sister’s pre-wedding bash she uncovers a family scandal – Her Mum and Grandma are the mother and daughter at the centre of The Graduate*. Turns out Mum went and had a last fling with Beau Burroughs (Ben Braddock) right before she married Sarah’s dad. Sarah decides that he must be her real dad, seeing as how her driving style is so different to that of the man she grew up with. Off she goes to find out.
Long story short she manages to mess up her relationship with her fiance when he sees her kissing Beau “possible dad” Burroughs. Because she was so irritating I was completely on the fiance’s side and the stupid, yet obvious, ending was so unrealistic.
The movie had an interesting premise but it just didn’t work – Grandma was a miserable harridan, Sarah was whiny and felt sorry for herself too much, I just didn’t care about anyone – except her fiance and he turned out to be an idiot.

*Mr Pigalina go the fright of his life when we went and saw The Graduate at the Fortune Theatre. Sitting in the front row, he was caught unawares when the “fifty year old woman” stripped naked and her “giant muff” was only a few feet from his face.

27 Dresses

It may be the fact that I am a So Hot It’s Tom friend. It could be the fact that I wore the one “important” dress at age 20 but I have only ever been a bridesmaid once. I was 5 years old and it was for my Aunty.
Jane is a good friend – so good in fact that she will pretty much act as wedding planner and bridesmaid for her friends AND, like, this one time, is bridesmaid in two weddings at the same time. She dreams of getting married – she’s been the bridesmaid 27 (did you guess?) times but never the bride. She cuts wedding stories by her favourite writer out of the newspaper (Important).
You know the drill, she loves someone who doesn’t love her. He is going to marry someone else and shock, horror – Jane has to plan the wedding. There is a guy who is a bit contrary and she finds him annoying but it turns out he is the one for her – Hurrah (Mr Darcy anyone?) There are highs, lows and lots of dresses.
I don’t know about you but I have never been to a single themed wedding. Jane however seems to have been to at least 20 – gender swap wedding, Bo-Peep etc.
While watching this movie I was on a giant beanbag, covered in a blanket and watching with my cat and dog – Mr Pigalina declared Katherine Heigl unlikeable so did not want to watch with us. It may have been my brief single lady style moment that made me not hate this movie. It wasn’t brilliant but I did not find my mind wandering nearly as much as other chick-flicks such as Rumour Has It – more of which at a later date.
You could see what was coming a mile off but it was watchable though probably one for the ladies only.

Drag Me To Hell

Drag Me To Hell is what Mr Pigalina and I were wishing while watching this rubbish. Rrreese, I am disgusted to say, thought this movie was actualy good (so did Empire magazine – shame on you). I like a cheesy horror – this one though was not a cheesy horror. It was a crappy horror that thought it was better than it is. It started out with potential but soon descended into crapness relying on gross-out moments involving mucous. The ending was also good so all in all a terrible movie bookended by some alright bits. A gypsy curse drives the main character mad as a goaty demon torments her. Her boyfriend – Justin Long – manages to wake up with perfect hair and somehow sticks with her and gives her a large some of money as she goes round the twist. I can’t even be bothered going in to it any more than this. Gypsy curse, mucous, comically bad talking goat, Beetlejuice graveyard and the fastest filling pool of water known to mankind. That’s about it really.

Clash of the Titans (1981)

Hollywood has just remade Clash of the Titans and I have heard rumours of a Jason and the Argonauts remake. I pray they never do it. Jason and the Argonauts is a top class movie, one of my all time favourites with effects way ahead of its time (1963!). Not to mention Todd Armstrong, who plays Jason, is hot and one of my very first crushes. Anyway, we are not here to talk about Jason, it’s Clash that needs to be discussed.
I had seen Clash of the Titans as a child but could only ever remember the Medusa scene and one day, after discovering it on my shelf, having forgotten that I had bought it, Mr Pigalina and I sat down to watch. Considering the fabulousness of Jason and the Argonauts which is 20 years older I was expecting more. I willed the movie to be great, I really did but the effects were so terrible that they could only be called “special” in the same way you call someone totally inept at everything a bit special. The blue screen stuff was so obvious – the colours were all crazy. The Kraken was embarrassing. It was like watching a terrible TV show. What was with the mechanical owl too? They didn’t have robots in Ancient Greece! Calibos would have been better being a man in a suit rather than sometimes a man in a suit and sometimes a shamboliccally animated claymation character. It was delightful to see a young Maggie Smith, though that was about the only highlight. Mr Pigalina loyally declared that there was nothing special about Princess Andromeda – and I have to agree. You wouldn’t catch me burning at the stake for her let alone risking my life with Medusa.
The whole thing was like a bad made for TV Saturday afternoon affair – think Hercules – The Legendary Journeys but worse (not that I wasn’t an avid viewer of that). Like I said before, I really hoped that it would be better but it let me down. Let’s hope the remake is better – though I haven’t read much over a 3 star review of that either – the story warants more!
A 2 out of 5 pigs from me.